Rookie's Blog

It's a suffocating feeling. That's how I can describe it. A hot, scratchy ball forms in your throat and your voice gets shakey. You feel your eyes get wet and your face gets hot and it hurts to choke out a single word. The pairs of eyes around you drill into you, that's all you can feel. I don't know why I'm crying, you think. Your shoulders tense up and you shrink into yourself. But you're trying to keep your composure. You try to play it cool and laugh it off. You can't see any further past the blur around you.

Every bad thing you'd ever thought before comes back to you. There's jealousy to it, too. How come they're not anxious like me? Why can't I be calm and stable like you? Part of you wishes you could just break apart and spill it all out. You just want to go run to your bed and sob. When you're all alone in your room crying and screaming with your knees tucked under your chin and your arms wrapped around your legs it's freeing. The scratchy, sore throat you get afterward is rewarding. The red stinging marks you've etched into your arms with your fingernails feel good. Your spit and snot and tear covered face is refreshing. You're left dry and sore and aching like you've emptied yourself onto that pillow, but you can't do that, not there. Cuz they'll look at you. And you hate when they look at you.

I've always thought there must be something wrong with me. My brother's told me that, so have my parents. I couldn't describe exactly what it is because I've never known another life. I've always been very sensitive. Both physically and emotionally. I wouldn't suspect it's autism, because I think I'm very good at identifying social cues and reading people's expressions. But it could be. Anyways. I cry too much, and I feel too much, and I think too much. I think I'd benefit from therapy or antidepressants or something. I'd like to go to therapy some day but I wouldn't want to worry my parents. They've already got my brother to deal with. He seems to be doing a lot better after starting therapy, by the way. Well, anyways... I've considered it, maybe even just talking to school counselors. But again, I worry about my parents worrying. And also... I'm someone who cries very, very easily. It's not an exaggeration. And I hate crying. I cry because I'm stressed, but I get worried people think I'm crying to get attention since I do it so much. The worst part is when I cry after a teacher gets mad at me for flipping through my tabs on my computer, or I cry because my teacher gets mad at me for not bringing in my homework, becuase it especially looks like I'm crying for attention or for pity.

But there's a deep part of me that likes pity. People usually don't feel bad for me. It's a horrible feeling but, for example, I like being sick because that's when I get to turn back into a little kid. My parents worry about me and I go to the doctor and I get to miss out on school. Ultimately I just wish I was a kid again. That's it. Maybe it's just because I'm 16 and I have exams coming up and my teachers keep talking to me about university and jobs. It's all coming to me so fast. I hate it. I'm not ready for it. I've never properly studied for a test.

I missed out on a lot of crucial social interaction as a kid because I liked video games and books and cartoons and the internet more. I go to a school where a lot of parents are friends with their kids' friends' parents and it's so weird to me, that's a life I've never lived. I've never gone to school in my friend's mom's car. I've never gone to the mall with my friends. I've never gone to a party at a friend's house, excluding birthday parties. I've only ever had a few sleepovers. I miss having female friends. I like talking to guys, but sometimes I feel so disconnected. Then again, I feel disconnected from the girls too, maybe even more so. I feel like I've had a very different life to many of my classmates. I've travelled all around and I've seen poverty, I've seen wealth, I've seen East, West, North and South, natural and artificial, while a lot of my classmates only ever really experienced their rich kid bubbles. But I don't think that's necessarily a good thing, it doesn't make me better than anyone else. I've left so many great friends behind. Even just great communities. I would be lying if I said it didn't hurt me.

I think what I really need is a friend who really, truly, genuinely gets me. I love talking to people who've lived different lives than me, it's really interesting of course. But I'm tired of differences. I just want to meet someone I have something in common with. I want to share a sense of humour with someone. I want to share a hobby with someone. I want to share a music taste with someone. I want to share below average athleticism with someone. I guess that's what the internet is for, that's what Neocities is for. But I want to talk to someone in person. It's something that burns in me. I just want someone who gets me.

I've always been comfortable with the fact that I'm never going to see a Portuguese restaurant run by foreigners in my life. I'd only ever been to Portuguese-owned Portuguese restaurants; those 60 year old restaurants with bumpy white paper covers on the tables and a rotation of two different waiters that had worked there since you were a baby. Lovingly, and skillfully, made food that's been around for generations, warm and full of flavour. The walls were covered in football shirts and scarves, always red, green, or blue. It was always so interesting to look at them and see all the years going by, 'Campeões 1994', 'Campeões 2004', 'Campeões 2014', 'Campeões 2024'... And the TV was always playing football games. It was always amazing to go visit during a big game, I remember going there last year during the Euro, Portugal vs. France... We lost. But it was nice to just be there, surrounded by Portuguese people, all rooting for the same team.

Yesterday my dad came back from Brazil. He wanted to have Portuguese food since he missed it so much, and my brother said he was already craving Amêijoas à Bulhao Pato anyway, so we went to a restaurant my dad found on Google Maps. Of course I won't say its name, but it had a very typical Portuguese restaurant name... "Taberna da (...)". We went in expecting, well, a nice traditional Portuguese restaurant, of course... But we came in and... It was Italian, Spanish, English all around us... We didn't see a single Portuguese person. When we asked for our food, we spoke in Portuguese, and they had to go get someone else to come and answer us in very broken Portuguese. It was clear now this was a tourist's restaurant. There were framed pictures of Ronaldo, Eusébio, pasteis de nata, and one that just said, 'Lisbon'. A generic, printed out, black and white photo of a Lisbon cityscape and tram hung to our left. Even the menu was fishy... The Bacalhau à Brás was spelt with no accents, and the bitoque was made of pork...

Then our food came... I had Bacalhau à Brás because it's my favourite food. I ALWAYS finish a plate of Bacalahau à Brás, no matter how bad it may be! I mean, really, there is no such thing as a 'bad' Bacalhau à Brás. Even the one we get at school for lunch is good!

...

I didn't finish it.

It was just... a salty mush. You couldn't distinguish anything from eachother. In a good Bacalhau à Brás, you can feel the potato, the codfish... But, here, no, it was all just... a sludge. An oversalted sludge. It wasn't very good. I couldn't finish it...

Of course, there's no disrespect to the waiters, they were just doing their jobs and they were incredibly kind despite the language barrier. I only have ill sentiment towards whoever is running the place...

I guess I get how the Italians and the French feel now. Seeing generic caricatures of your culture walking around parading as authentic experiences... Waiters that don't speak your language... I'm sorry, Italians and French, and I suppose we're on the same team now. Tourists suck.

Throughout my years on this earth, there hasn't been a Youtube video topic that's interested me more than Pokemon card ranking videos. Now, I don't know anything about the TCG, nor do I care, nor do I want to. I'm just into the artwork. And the Pokemon.

Now, there was a type of video I'd always watch: Top 10 Ugliest Pokemon Cards. I was a stupid and easily manipulated child, so I would watch these videos, see the artwork I thought was pretty cool looking, hear the grown man talking about how ugly it is, and decide that now it was ugly. But now I'm a free thinker... A lone wolf... I'm NOT a sheep anymore. I'll never follow the herd again.

Anyways. That's why I'm making my own spin on this: Top 10 Prettiest Pokemon Cards! Please note that, as I said, I don't know anything about Pokemon cards, so I don't care what set they're in. I'll put the date and artist, and the Pokemon's name of course, but not the set because I couldn't care less. Sorry, TCG nerds. Well, you can probably tell what set it's from just by looking at it.

Number 10.

Porygon-Z - Tomoaki Imakuni, 2016 (or... sometime in the 1990s? I dunno.)

There's nothing I love more than shitty low poly 3d models. Porygon is one of my favourite Pokemon for this reason.

Obviously the artwork is playing into that charming shittiness and the low poly-ness. That's why I love it. It's a funny card.

This card is very charming… What else can I say?

Also, I wanted to mention: I only just noticed that the illustrator of this card is... Imakuni?!? I had no idea the guy made art for the TCG. That's interesting. I thought he was just a weird dude in a weird suit.

Number 9.

Glaceon - Naoyo Kimura, 2009

I love cards that feature the Pokemon in some kind of scene or action.. I remember I had a few cards as a kid that I'd look at and imagine the stories behind them in the artwork.

This one reminds me somewhat of a fairy tale or children's book. I think it's the snowy forest setting.

It isn't the focal point of the card, but I also really like the pure blue sky background. It gives it a kind of closed off feeling, if that makes any sense.

Number 8.

Pichu - Nakaoka, 2005

I love cards that feature the Pokemon in some kind of scene or action.. I remember I had a few cards as a kid that I'd look at and imagine the stories behind them in the artwork.

This one reminds me somewhat of a fairy tale or children's book. I think it's the snowy forest setting.

It isn't the focal point of the card, but I also really like the pure blue sky background. It gives it a kind of closed off feeling, if that makes any sense.

Number 7.

Eevee - Atsuko Nishida, 2005

I really like this art style. It has a very mid-to-late 2000s/early 2010s DeviantArt Warrior Cats fanart feel to it - which, of course, is a compliment.

The pose, the expression, the soft colours, and even the slight angle give this card kind of a whimsical, innocent, and childish feeling to it. It's very cute. Cute is a word I'm going to use a lot. It's cute. It's soo cute.

Number 6.

Barboach - Tomokazu Komiya, 2003

I love this one cuz he looks so peaceful and sweet. The colour scheme is very serene and I really love the wonkiness of the Barboach's body, it gives it a weird cuteness to it. The asymmetrical-ness (????) of it is very niceeee…

You'll find that I'm going to put a lot of cards by this artist because I'm a huge fan of his work. I love the colours he uses… And how he does the outlines… Aaah…

This one just has so much charm to it. Wow..

Number 5.

Lampent - Sachiko Adachi, 2019

I love the clay model styled cards like Sachiko Adachi or Yuka Morii's cards, though I will say I prefer Adachi's style. The clay models are, in my opinion, just nicer to look at here. They feel a bit more polished and 'official'. (Though I love Morii's models!!! Dont get me wrong!)

I love this card because it feels like you caught Lampent in the middle of some incriminating act. Or like it's getting on stage for some stand up comedy show. Very fun.

Number 4.

Porygon-Z - Tomokazu Komiya, 2021

My favourite artist again. There's so much to look at here. The glitchy square patterns in the background, the colours and lines behind those squares, the shading on Porygon-Z, how it has a slight purple to it, everything is really interesting here. I've looked at this card so much and hadn't ever noticed that there's a man in the background between all those squares. I wonder what his deal is.

I also really like Porygon-Z's pose here. It has a really nice silhouette. It looks like it's about to attack, or jump out, or something of the like.

This card captures very well the just… weird chaotic mess that is Porygon-Z.

Number 3.

Magnemite - Sachiko Adachi, 2019

Another Adachi card I love. The collage style is really nice and fun. The backgrounds are bright and detailed and it's just a joy to look at.

This one reminds me of a children's show, maybe it's because my parents put me on a lot of stop motion when I was a kid.

I'd love to see a stop motion Pokemon animation with this kind of collage style some day. Hell, I'd love to try out this kind of style for myself one day! It seems like fun.

I feel like I'm in an Art class writing this, but my teacher isn't here to get mad at me for saying that I like something and not explaining why. So I can say this. I like the eye a lot. No explanation. I just like it. Please don't get mad at me, Miss...

Number 2.

Smeargle - Tomokazu Komiya, 2001?

Maybe next time I should try and limit myself to one artist per list, cuz 4 Komiya cards in one list is, maybe, a bit excessive.

The scenery in the background is beautiful, yes, but what immediately caught my eye was the expression and the pose of the Smeargle. The closed eyes, the crossed legs, the head resting on the hand, it's a very pensive pose. Like it's reflecting on something.

Also, this is a little detail that isn't really all that important, but I love when people draw the closed eyes like that - characters that have big stylised eyes and little pupils, and when they close their eyes, it's the pupils that close, not the whole eyeball. Like Doraemon.

Number 1.

Clefairy - Tomokazu Komiya, 2016

This is a card I always saw in the 'Top 10 Ugliest Pokemon Cards' lists and it always made me a bit mad. I love all of the cards on this list equally but this one is really notable because… I don't even care about Clefairy! But this card makes me love it! So much!

The expression on Clefairy's face is quite funny. I love those spiral eyes. I love how it's running aimlessly down that spooky path. And how the artist captures this spooky path - wow!!! The shadows are really nice, and making them that dark blue adds to that kind of psychedelic style common throughout Komiya's art, as does the weird perspective going on in the background with the stones and the trees.

I'm also a big fan of this card because it tells a story with the Hypno card. I love those kinds of cards. It makes collecting Pokemon cards a much more interesting experience. I think. I dunno. I haven't bought a pack of Pokemon cards in, like, 6 years. But, anyways. It's things like this that make me love Pokemon so much.

Also, I love that Hypno card a lot too. The way he's drawn is just, so… soooo so interesting.